Where do I start? The beginning is always best, right? OK, here goes. If you’ve followed this blog for some time you’ll know I hardly ever post pictures of myself. I write about pretty interiors and hopefully inspire some people along the way to decorate their home on a budget. I don’t have an issue with sharing my thoughts, dreams, and goals. I’ll share bad dates, sexual harassment and smears. In fact, my most read posts ever have been where I’ve formed the words running around my brain into some kind of comprehensible blog post. People like to relate, I get that. But when it comes to putting a face to a blog, this is where I’ve really struggled. Big time.
A couple of months ago, I began retreating into my shell, taking a step back from blogging and social media as the self-doubt and lack of confidence started to take over. I’d sit and scroll through some of favourite accounts and the comparison thief would rear its ugly head. I’d see these amazing influencers and bloggers online, all sharing pictures of their lives and witness their following steadily increasing. You know what I was thinking? Maybe I could be like that if I looked better.
Are you kidding me? You know if I was my best friend, I’d slap the shit out of me right now.
It’s not that I think I’m necessarily unattractive. I like my eyes. And I have a nice waist. My boobs are lush. This isn’t about fishing for compliments. It’s not me wanting validation from people. It’s basically me laying myself bare for people to understand things aren’t always pretty flowers and velvet sofas.
I was having an unhealthy amount of negative thoughts about the way I looked on a daily basis. And I’d started to relate that to success.
If I’m thinner, with whiter teeth, glossier hair and perhaps plumper lips, my blog might do better? Those were the kind of thoughts that were going through my head. Honestly, it feels insane writing this but surely I can’t be the only one that’s thought it before. Maybe I’m not meant to admit feeling like this, especially as a 33-year-old woman, who regularly promotes the power of positive thinking. Maybe I’m meant to have grown out of that phase now.
But when you’re faced with a feed of beautiful bodies, flawless skin and perfect hair, it takes real work to constantly remind yourself most of the time it isn’t reality. And it takes even more work to remind yourself that weight doesn’t define how successful you are. I did a poll on Instagram asking if people wanted to see more pictures of me, my life, travels, more than interiors etc. And 92 percent of people said “hell to the yes”. You know what I fixated on? The 8 percent who said no. I forgot all those amazing people who actually wanted to see more of me, and I spent precious time worrying about those people who actually just wanted to drop by and see pretty interiors.
Want to know the most ironic thing? I’ve spent months feeling crap, and I’ve done nothing more than feed my body rubbish, not really move, close myself away from people and stop following my love for the Law of Attraction. All the things that, if I’d have actually put my all into, would have instantly made me feel better.
You’ll be glad to know, however, that cloud is finally lifting. Maybe it’s because spring is around the corner. Or maybe it’s because I’ve started to move more, getting those endorphins pumping around my body. Maybe it’s because I just don’t have the energy anymore to waste on worrying what other people think. So yesterday I took a long walk, I curled my hair, put on some red lipstick and I got my camera out.
It doesn’t sound like a big deal does it, but to me it was.
I decided that once and for all, I was going to put a stop to this measurement of self-worth over the way I looked. I’m a great friend, an even better aunty, I try to make people laugh and most of the time succeed. I’m warm, I’ll be the one who chats to you if you’re alone at an event, I’m loyal and I’m generous. Does the size of my arse stop any of this? No.
So what does the future hold for Apartment Number 4?
I want to share more of me. And that means more pictures of everything, including my arse (with pants on fortunately for you). I want people to get to know me like I feel I know some of my favourite bloggers. I want to share my travels with you. I want to be able to log onto Insta Stories and chat about things with you. I want to share the highs and the lows. I want to share nice dresses I find in the sale. I’ll obviously always be an interior design blog because that’s what I love and that’s where my heart will always lie, but there might be odd time you get to see this face of mine, not just the filtered side.
I suppose you could say I’m welcoming in a brand new chapter. Self-doubt doesn’t disappear overnight but I’m trying really hard to get a better balance. After all, it’s the only mind and body I’ve got. It really is that simple.