Where do I start? The beginning is always best, right? OK, here goes. If you’ve followed this blog for some time you’ll know I hardly ever post pictures of myself. I write about pretty interiors and hopefully inspire some people along the way to decorate their home on a budget. I don’t have an issue with sharing my thoughts, dreams, and goals. I’ll share bad dates, sexual harassment and smears. In fact, my most read posts ever have been where I’ve formed the words running around my brain into some kind of comprehensible blog post. People like to relate, I get that. But when it comes to putting a face to a blog, this is where I’ve really struggled. Big time.

A couple of months ago, I began retreating into my shell, taking a step back from blogging and social media as the self-doubt and lack of confidence started to take over. I’d sit and scroll through some of favourite accounts and the comparison thief would rear its ugly head. I’d see these amazing influencers and bloggers online, all sharing pictures of their lives and witness their following steadily increasing. You know what I was thinking? Maybe I could be like that if I looked better.

Are you kidding me? You know if I was my best friend, I’d slap the shit out of me right now.

It’s not that I think I’m necessarily unattractive. I like my eyes. And I have a nice waist. My boobs are lush. This isn’t about fishing for compliments. It’s not me wanting validation from people. It’s basically me laying myself bare for people to understand things aren’t always pretty flowers and velvet sofas.

I was having an unhealthy amount of negative thoughts about the way I looked on a daily basis. And I’d started to relate that to success.

If I’m thinner, with whiter teeth, glossier hair and perhaps plumper lips, my blog might do better? Those were the kind of thoughts that were going through my head. Honestly, it feels insane writing this but surely I can’t be the only one that’s thought it before. Maybe I’m not meant to admit feeling like this, especially as a 33-year-old woman, who regularly promotes the power of positive thinking. Maybe I’m meant to have grown out of that phase now.

But when you’re faced with a feed of beautiful bodies, flawless skin and perfect hair, it takes real work to constantly remind yourself most of the time it isn’t reality. And it takes even more work to remind yourself that weight doesn’t define how successful you are. I did a poll on Instagram asking if people wanted to see more pictures of me, my life, travels, more than interiors etc. And 92 percent of people said “hell to the yes”. You know what I fixated on? The 8 percent who said no. I forgot all those amazing people who actually wanted to see more of me, and I spent precious time worrying about those people who actually just wanted to drop by and see pretty interiors.

Want to know the most ironic thing? I’ve spent months feeling crap, and I’ve done nothing more than feed my body rubbish, not really move, close myself away from people and stop following my love for the Law of Attraction. All the things that, if I’d have actually put my all into, would have instantly made me feel better.

You’ll be glad to know, however, that cloud is finally lifting. Maybe it’s because spring is around the corner. Or maybe it’s because I’ve started to move more, getting those endorphins pumping around my body. Maybe it’s because I just don’t have the energy anymore to waste on worrying what other people think. So yesterday I took a long walk, I curled my hair, put on some red lipstick and I got my camera out.

It doesn’t sound like a big deal does it, but to me it was.

I decided that once and for all, I was going to put a stop to this measurement of self-worth over the way I looked. I’m a great friend, an even better aunty, I try to make people laugh and most of the time succeed. I’m warm, I’ll be the one who chats to you if you’re alone at an event, I’m loyal and I’m generous. Does the size of my arse stop any of this? No.

So what does the future hold for Apartment Number 4?

I want to share more of me. And that means more pictures of everything, including my arse (with pants on fortunately for you). I want people to get to know me like I feel I know some of my favourite bloggers. I want to share my travels with you. I want to be able to log onto Insta Stories and chat about things with you. I want to share the highs and the lows. I want to share nice dresses I find in the sale. I’ll obviously always be an interior design blog because that’s what I love and that’s where my heart will always lie, but there might be odd time you get to see this face of mine, not just the filtered side.

I suppose you could say I’m welcoming in a brand new chapter. Self-doubt doesn’t disappear overnight but I’m trying really hard to get a better balance. After all, it’s the only mind and body I’ve got. It really is that simple.

In case you missed it: What Are Core Goals & Why I’m Setting Them For 2018 | Why You Should Be Your Own Cheerleader | How Friendships Change In Your Thirties

About the author
Victoria is the editor and founder of award-winning interior design blog Apartment Number 4. When she's not scouring Pinterest for the latest in home decor inspiration, she's out shopping trying to recreate the looks herself.


  1. Oh I just love this post so much! Honestly, we are put under so much pressure these days that we have to look a certain way to gain success because we think we are seeing this formula play out time and time again. But it’s stupid because there are plenty of people who are KILLING IT that are not ‘model perfect’ – in fact, I love seeing the huge variety of faces especially of those people whose blogs I’ve followed for years and those who have become my friends. I don’t always want to see perfection, I want to see real people and the more I speak to others, the more I realise how many feel the same. Don’t get me wrong – I fret about my age, I fret about my weight, hell, I fret about the fact that I’m a foreigner – but sometimes you just have to say, ‘fuck it’ and get out there. Also, and I know you said you weren’t’ fishing, but YOU ARE GORGEOUS. Next time you are feeling low, please read this comment and remind yourself that you are. xxx

    1. The mad thing is, I totally feel the same!! As soon as you said you were going to do more lifestyle posts, I was so excited, YOU are the biggest reason I read your blog. We’ve met in real life and you’re just as gorgeous IRL as you are online. But I’m like you, I want to see normal lives, people who I can relate to, people who don’t always look polished. And maybe I could be that “someone” to the people who are kind enough to read my blog and look at my Insta 🙂 thank you for taking the time to comment this Kim, it honestly means so much xxx

  2. It’s so hard when you see all these beautiful people sharing their perfect lives not to compare yourself. This is why I don’t read fashion or beauty blogs. I have a hard enough time comparing my home to those of interior bloggers. I voted no in your poll but I’d like to explain why. I try to limit my exposure to things that make me feel bad about myself. So I don’t like to see beauty and fashion stuff in the interiors blogs I read. Seeing you looking smoking hot on your blog while I sit here in sweatpants covered in greasy stains from my kids sticky fingers with chipped nail varnish and hair that desperately needs washing just makes me feel worse. Of course I won’t stop reading if you share more about yourself and your life outside interiors. You should write about what makes you happy and the fact that 92%of your readers want to see that content is a great result. I’m looking forward to your travel content in particular.

    1. Oh god lovely the last thing I meant was…who bloody voted no!! Haha, I didn’t mind the no’s, I knew what those people meant was keep it to interiors. But the negative part of my brain starts to think, is it because they’d rather not see your face! It’s madness, but I totally get you. I actually followed a lot of fitness bloggers which I unfollowed last year, for no other reason that it was making me feel bad about myself that I didn’t have the motivation or want to go work out more. To work out at all actually. I think when we see things in other people that we don’t like it’s because it’s only magnifying what we don’t like in ourselves. But I’m excited to share my travel stuff 🙂 I’m going away next week so got lots of stuff planned from there and want to be totally real, hence I’m going to try on Insta Stories and just be me! Thank you for taking the time to comment lovely xxx

  3. I’m glad that you wrote this, bc just yesterday I was looking through IG and realized I hadn’t seen any posts from you in awhile! I don’t fit that cookie cutter mold either and it’s a constant fight for me not to get completely frustrated and give up, but then I meet people IRL that read and love my blog and it pushes me to stay focused. I may never be a huge blogger, but I genuinely enjoy it, and when I’m not all in my head about stuff, I do enjoy shooting content that actually involves me. Take it day by day girl. You got this!

    1. And the fact that you enjoy it comes across on your blog and feed lovely because it’s always super positive (and stylish!!). I love how at ease you seem with the camera. I’ve actually refollowed you as I thought I did already! So looking forward to seeing more of your face in my timeline 🙂 gonna follow your advice and take it day by day! xxx

  4. Victoria,

    I’ve never met you, and never will since I’m in Houston. I wanted to tell you that I understand; but now that I have more wisdom and experience I can tell you that the insecurities are real, but pointless. In a few years you will look back on your present self and realize only you felt you weren’t good enough. You will never be younger or more beautiful. Embrace yourself and learn to be your own best friend.

    1. Thank you so much Robbie, that’s so nice of you to take the time to comment. I definitely need to learn to be my own best friend. I would never ever say the things I say to myself to another person. It’s time to be a little kinder 🙂 x

  5. I relate to this too Victoria, in that I often feel way too old to be putting pictures of myself out there on my blog and insta stories, I have so many insecurities, my turkey neck, wrinkles and lots more. I will take a million photos to get one I am happy with, but you know what, I think every other blogger on this planet does that too. EVERY SINGLE PERSON has insecurities, too fat, too thin, not tall enough, blah, blah, blah!! I really, honestly get how you feel, and it doesn’t seem to matter what people say to you does it, we just don’t seem to feel any better about ourselves for some stupid reason. Other people don’t see what we do, we ONLY see the negatives, but we have to stop doing that. I’m learning to ditch the self doubt and glad to see you are too. We’ve got this! One thing I have to to add is that although I’ve only met you the once, that evening, I knew instantly you were the most wonderful person and that is what shone through and what I remember. We all need to rectify the once only meeting as some point this year. (sorry if I’m rambling but was in a rush as I was dashing out!)
    Much love

    1. You see the mad thing is, you’re actually one of the people I love reading above BECAUSE you share yourself online. I find you completely relatable and bloody lovely. You share the great times and the tough times and it’s nice to be able to read about someone finding life not as smooth sailing as others portray on social media. You look amazing and have the most gorgeous skin, which I’m allowed to say as I’ve met you IRL 🙂 at some point this year we ARE getting together, 100 percent. Once is not enough xxx

  6. Ok so firstly, this could be written by me! I’m the exact same! I vowed that I would put at least one photo a month of me on my Instagram, but I will admit, I always have to build up to it for about a week! Secondly, Iv met you, (30 plus blog awards) and you Mrs, are beautiful. Not only to look at, but your whole aura is one of beauty. As someone who worked with auras for almost 6 years, I’m qualified to heap that praise lol
    I’m thrilled that your sharing more of f you, not because of your blog, I enjoybthat however you do it, but because if it pushes you out of your comfort zone, and makes you grow, then hell to the yeah! I look forward to this next chapter xxxx

    1. Thank you so much Kerry for writing this. Honestly, you’ve made me slightly (a lot) emotional! 😉 I think, without sounding like a completely fruitloaf, you’re instantly drawn to people when you meet them and that’s how I felt with you and Stephanie that night. You’re both so lovely, it was nice to be able to chat to two “strangers” and feel like I’ve known them for ages. I just wanted to say as well, you are killing it with your Instagram photography right now, I love the direction it’s going in and your photography just gets better and better with each shot! You seem like you’re really enjoying trying something new as well! xxx

  7. Let me give you the perspective of someone 20 years old than you. Without judgement. Just with understanding. It does not matter what you look like – and in that regard you have nothing to worry about in any case. Kindness shines from your eyes.

    You will come to a day and you’ll think – oh bugger off everyone else. I like me and that’s what counts.

    And it does.

    1. Thank you so much Linda, I look at how I was when I was 20 and thank god I’m not still in THAT mindset. I suppose it’s just hard to shake off sometimes but you’re absolutely right, I’ll take a look back in the future and think…why the hell did you waste all that time worrying?! Thank you for taking the time to comment xxx

  8. I really do understand what you’re trying to say here. I’m always vacillating between ‘I love myself as I am!’ and ‘if only I looked better, life would be better.” It’s funny, because whenever you look back, you see that at all life stages we wasted so much time limiting ourselves focusing on stuff like this, but somehow even though we know, we still don’t change the record! The comments have been theraputic to read too!

    1. Yes!! That’s me! Going between the two all the time. Thinking sod it, I am who I am. And then feeling rubbish when I compare myself to others. I can even see that in my 20s I wasted so much time worrying about what others thought that I’ll be damned if I get to 40 and feel the same about now. Thanks for taking the time to comment lovely xx

  9. This is a very honest post. Sometimes it takes a lot of courage to really admit the problems we feel about ourselves. I know I have a lot of things I’m unhappy about. I hope you will continue to blog about what makes you happy and whatever that is I will still be following your every post.

    1. Thanks so much Kelly, getting it out of my head and on to “paper” has really helped 🙂 and thank you for being so supportive. I’ll still be writing about interiors but just the odd travel and fashion post might be here 🙂 xxx

  10. Funnily enough the first thing I thought when I clicked onto this post was how amazing you look, seriously. I think we all go through so many highs and lows about our looks. I’m so much better nowadays than when I was younger at feeling a little more confident in my own skin, but there are definitely times when I see all of these other influencers looking incredible and I think I can’t compete with that! Comparison is the thief of joy, it’s so true. Looking forward to reading and seeing more about you Victoria x

    1. Thank you so much Jen, honestly these comments have been so good for the soul. I think knowing that other people have similar thoughts has been reassuring to say the least. Sometimes when you’re sat at home blogging or scrolling through Insta, it’s very easy to get sucked up in the comparison game but we have to remember, every single person out there will have some form of doubts, large or small. We’re only human xxx

  11. Whoop to this! I’m so glad you’re taking the plunge, because we can’t wait to see more of you. Lots of love for this next chapter (and you look cracking, so don’t ever connect your appearance to success.) xx

    1. Thank you so much lovely!! I’m excited for this new chapter too!! I need to find a good photographer based in Leeds now to help me when the tripod isn’t able to 🙂 xx

  12. Loved this post!
    It’s very easy to focus on the negatives rather than the positives – I think we are all guilty of that. I’m in the same boat, starting to share more about me, and although I have had a lovely response I can’t help but feel disheartened that I often get better impressions than on an interior photo when I’ve worked so hard on building an interiors based following for years now.
    But onwards and upwards – we are amazing and we should show off all of the parts of our lives that we want to!
    You are fabulous and gorgeous xxx

    1. Thank you so much lovely, it’s nice to know that other people suffer from the same doubts! I love seeing pictures of you, your life and the dogs, as well as the gorgeous interiors! So keep them coming!! xxx

  13. I can relate to this hugely and went through something very similar last year…. and what I can say to you is that when you start putting a few pictures of yourself out there and it’s met with nothing but a warm response, you get a real sense of freedom because you don’t have to hide away anymore?! I was terrified when I started putting pictures of myself on Instagram, literally shaking as I posted it…. but six months later I don’t really think twice about doing so anymore! Good for you, keep reminding yourself of all those positive things you’ve mentioned here, put that red lipstick on and keep putting yourself out there, you’re fabulous x

    1. It definitely does get easier with time doesn’t it. Now I’ve done that I’m not so nervous to maybe do it again in a month or so! Don’t want to overcrowd my feed with my face! 🙂 thank you so much for taking the time to comment lovely xx

  14. Yes, yes, yes! I always feel like I’m a bit rubbish at commenting on blogs, like whatever I am going to say isn’t quite going to hit the mark, but I loved this.

    When I found you and your blog, yes, I loved the interior side because that’s my shizz. But more than that I started getting to know you and I love ya!

    I for one can’t wait to see more of you and what you get up to. And hopefully that involves meeting me one day, why you gotta be so far away gal?!

    Abi xx


  15. I feel exactly the same, it’s ridiculous isn’t it? We’re in a society where everything is judged on how people look, no matter how amazing of a person they are. Some of my favourite bloggers are the ones who share their personality and life through instagram stories and it’s something I want to try myself, it’s just finding the self confidence and not worrying about being judged.

    1. Even though it’s a really rubbish feeling I’m happy I’m not the only one who’s struggling with this lack of confidence. Sometimes you feel like you’re the only one! But writing this post has taught me that everyone has doubts sometimes, and I just need to suck it up and get on with enjoying life! 🙂 hope you can too lovely xxx

  16. Although I LOVE LOVE LOVE the end/conclusion of this post and cannot wait to see what you have planned…
    I HATE HATE HATE that you’d let yourself feel such a way! As well as slapping yourself I’m sure many friends would have done the same to you! Me included!
    Though I know and appreciate, from also wallowing in my own self pitty, is that you’re the only person and thing that can get you back out and I am SO glad you have/are!
    Looks aside, as you do have amazing eyes and how I’d love to have boobs like yours and are a wonderful person who I really really don’t see or speak to enough, your site, photography and writing skills are way to be desired!

    Onwards, upwards, forwards! 🙂


    1. Thank you so much my gorgeous girl!! <3 You're always so supportive! And here's to an amazing 2018 for both of us, especially you with your growing family! xxx

  17. I could not relate to this post more! It’s so easy to feel down about yourself when you’re faced with a constant stream of perfection across social media but I think you definitely have the right idea when it comes to tackling the issue and I can’t wait to see you sharing more of your life.

    1. I’m so glad that you relate lovely, even though it’s a really shitty feeling! I absolutely love those pics you’ve been sharing recently 🙂 I might have to book myself in for a little shoot to see what the professionals can do for me! xx

  18. Go you! It’s so easy to get lost in a spiral of Instagram-induced doom. I’ve stopped following all the feeds that make me feel crap, and sure as hell ignore the ‘explore’ feed.
    Your blog is wonderful and so many people reading are inspired by you on a regular basis, including me. Never forget that! : )

  19. Awesome news – the content on your blog is fantastic, and I’d love more personal stuff too 🙂

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *